One-two, buckle my shoe ... Thump, slam, crash. Scream out loud. There it goes again, and again, yet again. Three-four, knock at the door ... scream out loud. The knocking is inside my head, in the space between the front of my skull and between my ears. It is there that the pinball machine resides.
The thing about mental illness, though, is it carries a sting in the tail. People seem to think that if someone has a mental illness, it is as a result of some kind of weakness. Physical illness is unfortunate, but mental illness seems to be perceived around the world as of their own making, and therefore they must be weak to have ended up ill in the first place, and weak for being trapped in the illness.
When we hear reports of 'the leading cause of death,' things such as cancers and heart attacks tend to come to mind. But, the truth is
Hypersexuality and manic episodes are known to go hand-in-hand, but hyposexuality (low or no sex drive) can also be present as part of the bipolar illness. It is a known side effect of bipolar medication, so identifying whether it is the illness or the medication to blame, is not so easy. However, it is also easy for the psychiatrist or doctor to just blame the medication rather than talk about it and try to help with the problem.
Delving into the deep, dark dungeon, depression creeps in, clinging tightly. You are not alone; I am with you now I will hold you tight and won't let go.
One of the beautiful aspects of this recovery is being able to see properly again; to see a flower appearing out of the darkness and appreciate its depth of colour, pumps the zest through my arteries.
I describe depression in combination with darkness a lot and often liken this to living on the edge of death. It's not because I always sit without the lights on or want to die. It's because that's how an episode of depression leaves me feeling inside. My zest for life has gone to visit Great Auntie Anne.